Selection anxiety with Coca-Cola Freestyle

I’ve had the chance to use the Coca-Cola Freestyle and I love the options but it’s not worth the anxiety attack. Once you get to the front of the line you are inundated with a plethora of options for configuring your beverage. As you are pushing buttons a line begins to form with anxious patrons with lids half cocked waiting to fill their containers with carbonated corn syrup and artificial flavoring

I’m all for consumer options but this machine basically causes a traffic jam. I’ve even seen these in airports, a place where there is enough traffic. I am a bit disappointed that there’s no button for an extra shot of caffeine, which would turbo charge any beverage selection. This would also be a great product placement for a Xanax button for a shot of relaxation. This would ease the anxiety about the 5 people in line waiting to stab you in the orbital socket with a bendy straw.

Dumb Stranger Comments about Kids

When I’m struggling to maintain sanity out in public with my children, the last thing I want to hear is a dumb comment from a stranger. The one that really makes me want to rip peoples heads off and shove them up their rectum is when they say. “And that’s why I don’t have kids…” they say it with such sarcasm and superiority. It’s a good thing they don’t have kids, because children don’t deserve parents like these. Being a parent is the toughest, but most rewarding job I’ve ever had.

Crack-Fil-A

I used to avoid Chick-Fil-A. I realize now that was mistake, but let me lay the groundwork to my insanity. Growing up there was only one CFA in West Virginia that I knew about. It was in the Huntington mall and they handed out free samples near one of the entrances. As a principal I don’t trust restaurants who hand out free samples. Probably because they’re leftovers or food that fell on the floor. Also I don’t trust stores that don’t have a brick and mortar establishment.

Back in 2008 is when I had my first exposure to CFA. I found out they were a Christian company and I reverse discriminate. My only concern is that I didn’t find this out sooner because now I can’t stop myself from having CFA on a regular basis. Since we’ve had kids it’s almost been a weekly trip to keep the addiction going. I wish they would branch out and open other restaurants. I’m sure I could get used to “Cow-Fil-A” or “Pig-Fil-A”, or mabye even “Trout-Fil-A”.

Steak Stats

This is not a steak but a sculpture of a steak at the Weber Grill in Chicago. Steak is the only thing that keeps me from being a vegetarian. Well, bacon too, that would be hard to give up. Come to think of it, it would be hard to give up fish and chip and fried chicken. Well, there goes that idea.

As for steak, a wood fired grill with a nice rib-eye does the trick for me. Salt and pepper is all it needs. Seared on both sides at the highest temperature possible. Medium is the highest I’ll go on the cook time. No A1, no Heinz 57, no sauce whatsoever! Now I’m hungry.

Toilet Toddler Training Tools

Who doesn’t love potty training a toddler? In my opinion, girls are way easier than boys. We’ve only started last week and we’re already at the point to let him wear diapers the rest of his life. Our daughter found it exciting to use the toilet while our son thinks it’s a torture device. M&M’s seem to be the default reward system. It’s better to stick to just brown and yellow M&M’s. Other colors might be too confusing.

• Yellow – Yay for Urination!
• Brown – Whoo hoo for Poo-Poo!
• Green – The boy has been grazing out in the yard again?
• Red or Orange – Time to visit the ER.
• Blue – Did a UFO’s hover near the house, did he go missing?

 

Happy VD!

I have a long history of terrible valentines days. Probably the worst is when I sent my bride-to-be dead black roses. I ordered them from a fresh cut flower place online. I guess they cut them wrong. Instead of telling my fiancee that I loved her, I was sending her a message of death.

One year I didn’t realized that a certain restaurant needed reservations for Valentines day. So after being mocked by the host, I ended up picking up Taco Bell. We used our wedding china and it was actually more romantic than the The Melting Pot could ever be.

Last year I was out of town for work and both of my children had fits of vomiting and diarrhea. Not a fan of VD.  Do y’all have any VD disasters?

The Coffee Chronicles

I don’t know why, but I decided to start drinking coffee in 2002. Having just started a new job, I was finding it difficult to adjust to the time zone difference, recovering from the move, and dealing with new co-workers. I called a friend who had discovered something called a “press pot”. I started from there skipping over the whole drip coffee maker ordeal that my parents had when I was growing up. No wonder I never liked coffee.

At first I bought ground coffee. Millstone Foglifter to be exact. Then I discovered that the coffee tasted better if I bought the whole beans in the store and ground them and brought them home. Next I found out that I could grind my own beans at home right before brewing, big improvement. Then I figured out filtered water tastes even better with the coffee.

Next I formed an alliance with co-workers and formed a super-hero coffee club. We vowed to fight coffee injustice by only grinding the freshest beans and preparing the coffee at the right brewing temperature. It was a in-house debate which temperature was superior. I preferred 192.5 F and others preferred 185 F. We bickered about grind settings complaining that some were too coarse while others were too fine. We hurled insults if someone let the coffee steep too long, so we had to start using a timer.

We then discovered that we could roast our own green coffee beans. That opened up new layers of complexity that we could fight about. Roast settings, under or over roastings and how the coffee sometimes tasted like drinking boiled string bean water out of a brown grocery bag. I finally had to move away to a new job to get out of the coffee club. I now know the secrets to true coffee bliss. Throw a K-cup into a machine and drink the contents once it squirts out. So easy…

Here comes the Judge (ment)…

It really bothers me when people, say you shouldn’t judge and then point to Matthew 7

“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye”

Most stop reading there to put Jesus in their corner. Who better to use than Jesus right? You have to keep reading the rest of the passage to pick up the full meaning of what Jesus was trying to communicate.

“You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye. Do not give dogs what is holy, and do not throw your pearls before pigs, lest they trample them underfoot and turn to attack you.”

Jesus calls us to judge righteously, not hypocritically. Of course this is really only meant for Christians. The last part of that verse makes it clear, judging someone who has no clue (or doesn’t care), is useless.

How to behave at a Traffic Light

• There is a white line indicating where you should stop at a red light. That is not for you, but for the car behind you. Get your whole car into the intersection!
• If you’re the first car, now is a good time to check your smartphone and catch up on text messaging. This will allow you to miss when the light turns green causing the person behind you to beat their steering wheel until their hands are a bloody pulp.
• If you’re second in line, watch the perpendicular light as it progresses towards it’s tertiary state. At the split second before the light ignites green, honk your horn mercilessly! If a response is not obtained in no less than nanosecond, start beating your hands on the wheel until they are a bloody pulp.
• If you are trying to make a left turn and there is no leading green, gun it through the intersection before the other driver has a chance to start.
• If you are trying to make a left turn and the light is about to turn yellow, get out in the intersection! Attempt to clip the oncoming cars rear bumper as your final act of aggression.
• If you need to make a right and there is one car in front of you, use the sidewalk or grassy area.
• If you are arriving to a 4-way stop and another car is approaching, it doesn’t matter where the white line is. It matters who stops first. One car could be at the white line, but if you have about 50 feet before you get to the white line and you stop first. Go! It’s your turn!

Garlic Butter Dipping Sauce

It’s quite easy to make and tastes way better than Papa Johns, Pizza Hut or Little Caesars. Plus look at the label on those sauces, quite a few chemicals.

• 1/4 Stick of real butter
• 1 tsp of Garlic Powder
• 1 tsp Extra Virgin Olive Oil

Place in microwave safe container, cover with paper towel and nuke for 20-30 seconds. Cover with a paper towel in case it all gets explody in the microwave.